Here we are. My boys and I. I have taught them so much in the time we home-schooled. I taught them how to read, mathematics, all about the planets and the names of the oceans and continents. They have learned in depth about 23 of our states, the role of our government and the foundations of our country. We have written poems together, developed their language and practiced the basic poses of yoga. But today, as I give up being their school teacher and turn back into their full-time mom, I am teaching them the biggest lesson of all of those I have so far.
I am teaching them that listening and obeying God is the most important thing they can do. They are seeing a woman being completely dependent on God and jumping in faith against everything her flesh wants. I have been patient and praying for an answer for months. What is it I need to give up because something's gotta give. First, He spoke to me and said anything my heart isn't on fire for. While I love Plexus products and still believe in their health promotion and take them, it wasn't a passion for me like homeschooling, the coffee business and our farm is. So I obeyed and cut off the time I had spent there. But I knew more was coming. And when He spoke Sunday into my heart, God asked me to give up my passion and number one love- educating my children. Really? Couldn't it have been my job, Cory's second job or something I didn't grip onto so hard????
But I realized I had made it my identity and my everything. And while my boys were well advanced knowledge wise, it had turned into finishing worksheets while I bounced Scout on my knee to stay content and some nights we weren't finishing until 9 pm. This meant I wasn't able to turn off teacher and be mom for even a minute of the day to them and they deserve so much more. So I jumped and took them to register early Monday. Unaware of the financial cost, the emotional cost and without thinking for myself I obeyed. And then I cried for three days straight, all the while knowing God me in his hand and it was going to turn out alright in the end.
I am teaching them that when they are adults, their marriage needs to be a priority. I have put mine on the backburner since the beginning- skipping date nights and connection to pour into my kids 24-7. And my loving husband has always let it be, knowing one day they will fly the coop. He is my best friend and my kids need to see a rejuvenated woman who is eager for time alone to connect with her spouse. And when my husband held me while I cried on the pantry floor, not saying a word just letting me go through all of the emotions this has left me with, I knew more than ever that he deserves me to be a wife who knows how to be all things at their appropriate time- to put off my mom cap when the babies are all asleep and be the woman he first fell in love with.
I am teaching them that using busyness to escape thinking it so hurtful in the long run. I laid on the hammock yesterday staring at the sky and being alone with my thoughts and I realized that it is the first time I have done that in over 7 years. Life is messy and there are hurts and pains and healing to be done. And instead of working through any of it- I have busied myself to a point that I haven't had a chance to, afraid of what it may lead to. So I go through my days in a whirlwind of working, teaching my children, taking care of them, cooking, cleaning, working out and doing more in a day than I should be doing in a week. And now, I am sitting here in silence except for the heartbeat on my baby girl's sound machine. And it is deafening but I am going to learn to love it.
Finally, I am teaching them to love themselves by showing them what that looks like. I am learning to love myself and do it fiercely and passionately. To get back to the girl who sang and danced and created art and was going to be a famous writer. That girl who felt so alive that she blazed with emotions and loved big time. The girl who reveled in her friendships and dreamed so big. I have mourned that girl, but she is not dead she has just been waiting to reappear. And my husband has been patiently waiting on her.
And I can't wait for my kids to meet her.